My mind is in the constant state of analyzing, combating itself, trying to find the happy medium of this crazy life we call ours. It is this way for several reasons.
1. I have been reading the book Radical. It is a GREAT read and has challenged me in many ways in my life- the question "but how do I do that when I want to go, but I have to stay" is a constant one. It has pushed me and reminded me that in all things, every area of my life, I need to not be complacent, but pushing out, and forward, seeking what I should be doing, instead of sitting on my tuff (which I find I am all too comfortable doing when I don't have clear direction).
2. Titus has been having MAJOR problems at school recently. I did not even know the extent of it until our team mtg yesterday at school. His sweet teacher has been MAJORLY underplaying the problems she has been having with him at school and been trying different things constantly, and nothing is working for him. The principle herself got involved this week when he was hiding under his desk for a substitute. He is not a bad kid, but what in the world do we do to help him control his impulses and learn how to succeed in public? And the ADHD checklist they had all the teachers complete- yes, he is off the charts. We felt like he had been doing so well- this winter we could not believe the progress he has made from last winter. Yet, here we are again, trying to figure out what in world to do with the boy. How to love him, nurture him, and help him to grow?
These 2 worlds are colliding, as they have in the past.
The main reason we left Japan, what we felt called to, Kevin's dream job; was for the sake of this boy, for this family.
I struggle with knowing how to live in this world. How to live radically, but feeling like we can not because we need to keep things so stable, normal, comfortable for Titus. I know he is my calling right now, who I am supposed to pour my energy into, but how do I do it in light of what the Bible says- to give up comfort, pleasure, to "hate" our brothers, not take time to bury our fathers etc?
In light of Titus who needs the stable, constant lifestyle, what does that look like for us as a family? Does it mean Kevin does not go back to Japan this summer as we had planned because it might upset Titus' schedule too much and we are already having so many problems? Does it mean Kevin can't get involved with visiting churches in order to raise people and funds for Japan because it would mean we would be at a different church most weekends?
I feel this inward turmoil as I think about great men and women of old who sacrificed so much for the gospel. But at the same time hearing of so many missionaries who look back with regret that they wished they had not sacrificed their child. How do you balance family being your "12" whom you pour your life into and disciple, yet not give into the common practice today of family being your god and idol?
Please pray for us as we seek answers to these questions of mine. That we would have clear guidance in how to balance Titus' delicate personality with what our hearts desire to be doing for the kingdom. How to reconcile the 2 and live a life of obedience.
5 comments:
Oh girl, this is tough stuff to grapple with! Radical definitely did the same for me - really made me question how I live NOW radically, instead of waiting until (fill in the blank)...
Anyway, I SO get what you're saying, would LOVE to talk and wrestle with this together, I struggle with it so much - especially the whole family/ministry balance thing...
Love you guys and am praying for you!
Oh, and will be emailing soon about a get together :)
Well...as I reflect on YOUR last two weeks, this is what I see. A friend who RADICALLY sacrificed many hours of service to clean my floors, do my laundry, cook my food, and cheer me up while I am in a cast. (And I've left about 50 things OFF this list.) I also see a friend who walked me through 2 rough weeks of my husband being overseas and invited me (plus 3 kids) over multiple times for dinner. While that might not seem radical enough to you (I have not read the book yet, it sits here staring at me)I ABSOLUTELY believe that God called YOU to meet ME in a very dark place this last month, and you listened. I may not live in the slums or overseas. I may already know Jesus. But I did need to see my faith in God's provision to be demonstrated. I did need to see that God cared to send someone willing to extend themselves when it was not always convenient. I did need to see God's RAW LOVE from a friend I have sat next to in Bible Study for 2 years and live 2 miles from, but barely knew. Girlfriend, I'd say, from this side of the fence, you served where God called you and needed you this month. Will He call you to do harder things? Probably, at times. Will sometimes the serving seem too easy? That is O.K. Remember, His burden is light. Did He know you would struggle with these dualing desires when you left Japan? Absolutely. He knows your heart and your absolute commitment to be WHEREVER He calls you to be. So do not fret my dear friend. He is NOT an UNCLEAR God. He will show if you need to get off the couch. But, until then, rest in knowing that HE DELIGHTS in you and the love you have shown to a grateful friend.
Regarding Titus(my ramblings are now longer than yours! lol) you are called to parent Titus in a RADICAL way. It takes an amazing amount of effort and consistency. Given your personality, your family make-up, your finances, your gifts, your weaknesses, etc, GOD KNOWS where you will best serve Him AND simultaneously parent Titus well. Have other missionaries continued with a child with Asperger's? Yes. Have other's not? Yes. But, God knows the individual family situations and which way to lead each family. So trust Him to BE CLEAR if He wants you to change something radically.
On one thing regarding this, God IS clear. He wants you to be a peace. He does not want you to act out of guilt or fear or anything but His absolute clear guidance that you are to take on a new challenge. My message: He’ll let you know. And today I am letting you know that you have loved and served Him well in ALL areas of your life (and I am one small part of that.)
I know you were not looking for compliments or accolades but the Lord just stirred my heart and I could not hold back! Hope I did not embarrass ya’! Love ya’ girl.
PS - Oh...and did I forget to mention how RADICAL a move it is to decide to homeschool one of your children? Give yourself more points for RADICALISM.
What a beautiful friend you have in Colette! Her words have touched my heart and soul (even though I don't even know her!). You are truly blessed Rebecca, and clearly a wonderful blessing to others! May I repost parts of her comments on my blog, anonymously, for one of my entries?! :)
Hi Jungle News,
Feel free to re-post anything I wrote here anonymously. My words are from God and meant to encourage His people so if they can be useful to others, by all means, share them! : )
Thank you for asking first.
God Bless,
Colette
How on EARTH do you keep several blogs at the same time? I have enough with just my little one. Kudos to you.
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